Saturday, January 9, 2010

digging of two kinds

Jed’s Aunty Chelle gave him the best present ever. A real digger. The day after she gave it to him he woke up at 5am desperate to go on it. I was desperate to go back to sleep. I ended up holding space for him to get some big feelings out and have a good cry. It had been a very full few weeks and a good release had been brewing. He then thanked me for holding him and we curled up together for another sleep. If only we adults were all as emotionally wise as this one. The world would be a very different place.

That digger has seen many hours of work since that day. Jed has it set up in his corner of the garden. Next time i have a tree to plant i know who i’m going to call in to dig the hole.

I have been doing some digging of a different sort. Into myself. I have been thinking about my life. In my sixteen years away from NZ I lived in many different countries and sometimes those different chapters of my life seem very separate. Times of reflection, like i have fallen into at the moment , help me to integrate and resolve any raw pieces i have left flapping around. The people i have loved and learnt from, the land i have set roots down into and then torn away, the seas i have crossed and work i have done. It has been a beautifully crowded life and at this point in my process, my thoughts turn to how to bring my gifts to help create a more sustainable juicy world. Something i have done in various ways over the workshops, writing, speaking at conferences and gatherings, event organising, campaigning, chaining myself to various things for various causes. Mostly i have lived on the fringe of the mainstream i guess. Now i am dipping in and out of all sorts of tributaries and streams and edges and feel a bit lost sometimes. I am re-assessing what my role is now, here and now. How can my gifts be given well? More writing? Articles? Another book? This blog? Start giving workshops again?
Most of my tribe, the people i have loved longest, seen the very hard times with and soared with, are all living far away. I struggle to stay connected. I miss feeling met in relationship and the honest feedback that only the closest true friends offer. I miss the reflection of my own values in others eyes on a daily basis. I miss giving workshops with others. (One particular other actually, hi sky.)And so my thoughts go to how to build my worklife and community here. (I just re-read Marge Piercy's Women on the Edge of Time, to remind myself of what the world we are creating might look it, possibly my very favourite novel). For selfish reasons and also because i believe that is what is needed if we are to live well on this earth.
This isolated way of living we Westerners have created for ourselves is a strange way of being and is very far from the villages and extended families we dwelt in not so long ago. I parented in a larger family base (the Star family) within intentional community (Twin Oaks) and it saddens me that Jed does not have other adults bonded to him and committed to guiding him on his path as it unfurls other than his parents. One of whom he doesn’t get to see very much of. My heart is light today sitting with all this. Yesterday i cried and just wanted to sleep, or move back to Twin Oaks. Today my face is lifted a bit higher. I am grateful i have gifted myself the blessing of just sitting still these past few days and not distracting myself with the pile of things to do.

So you have it, musings of the heart on a summer’s afternoon. No lists of things to do yet. No huge revelations. Yet! No flashes of brilliant resolve, just being gentle with myself, appreciating my practice being my everyday life and sitting with the quiet powerful inner work of transformation. Making peace with what is. Plotting the synopsis of the next chapter of my life. Following that flow.

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