Friday, May 18, 2012

not the mother's day i planned

So, if you are someone who comes here to be inspired or uplifted you may want to come back another day.

If you are someone who is not up for a hard story today, please don’t read on...i’ll see you another day.

And, if you are a friend, and didn’t know what i have been going through, i apologise for you finding out on the internet. Just so many of you are so darned far away. And i am not very good at reaching out at times like these.

Sunday was Mother’s Day. What i had planned for the end of last week was a series of posts leading up to Mother’s Day. All celebrating mama’s that have their hands full and perhaps wouldn’t be celebrated themselves on the day. You know, the single mama’s in our lives...or mama’s whose partners have passed on. Those amazing mama’s who juggle so much without the back up of being able to ask family to step in and cover for them. I wanted to put out a request for each of us to turn up at one of those mama’s doors and make them breakfast in bed, or post off a sweet something, or whatever it was would make that mama’s heart sing. Or sending a caring something to those mama’s whose child had died, or those that so very much wanted to become a mama, but could not. We all have those women in our lives, i am sure.

Maybe next year. My plans were hijacked by a sweet life that was only in my keeping for such a short time. A much wanted sibling. A much loved already little one. I spent Mother’s Day miscarrying. I still feel raw. You would think i would be used to it. In the last year and a half i have had five miscarriages. Five.

I feel so strongly the same being, spirit (whatever you call it) trying to come through. The moment the pregnancy was over i felt it’s outrage at being ousted. It woke me up and i just knew. It is a reminder to me at how everything can change in a heartbeat. Literally. And how hard it is not to feel like i have failed. One day pregnant full of hope and new life, the next, grieving. Riding out the hormone crash and the emotional rollercoaster of hope and loss.

How keenly i feel my gratitude that Jed is with us. I am truly blessed with that little fellow.

I feel lucky too, to have avoided hospital. And for the support of the lovely women at the Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic.

Lately in blog world i have read a few more personal than usual blog posts and appreciated their honesty and felt richer for having heard those stories. No matter what i set out to write, this is all that would come out. I have felt inspired by those honest blog posts and want to be open about what we are going through in the hopes that my story may help others. I’d like to know that i can share whatever is real for me here in this cosy space i have carved out for us in blogworld. There is more to this story, but for now, this is all i have strength for between tears.

Apart from the hormone crash that i know so well by now, i am down. I wanted to warn you that i may wander off and wallow in it occasionally, but that i would always be back. Just those big plans are on a little shelf for now. I’ll get back there. There is a whole lot of sewing therapy going on, let me tell you.


  1. I'm so so sorry Anissa. This getting pregnant thing can be so shitty sometimes. Take care of yourself and if you want to rant then you've cerrainly earned the right. Big hugs.

  2. I'm so sorry, that is so unfair, sending lots of love, its a hellish roller coaster ride to be on.

  3. I'm so sorry to hear this, keep yourself well however you can.

  4. Anissa, what a roller coaster for your body, feelings and soul to be going through. I wish you for the solace of beauty in nature, the comfort of soft fabrics running through your fingers, love that surrounds you like a warm blanket, and a cosy place to rest and recover.

  5. I am so sorry to hear you have been going through this, sending you love and prayers and lots of hugs x

  6. Anissa, my heart is hurting for you. Blessings to you all xx

  7. So sad for you and Jed - take care xxxx

  8. Hi Anissa - I just found out about this and thought of you.
    lots of love Sam

  9. Thank you for sharing your personal tragedy. I can only imagine what a soul wrenching experience it must be. Many of my friends have experienced miscarriages, so even though it must be hard, you are certainly not alone. What a blessing and a joy to have your beautiful,beautiful boy Jed.