Saturday, May 10, 2014

Mothers Day - My story


In years past I have posted tributes to mothers everywhere on Mothers Day. Today I find myself reflecting on my own journey.
I saw my belly large with child reflected in shop windows long before I conceived.
I saw him in my dreams and when he came crashing through, after knowing his dad only for a very short time, I threw my arms and heart open in welcome.
Luckily, so did his dad.

On reflection, it was quite the pregnancy. I bled on and off throughout the first trimester and feared so badly I would lose him. I talked to him a lot and quit work as soon as I could. Then, because I wanted a home birth, and lived remotely, I had another scan at 20 weeks. ‘We are not sure the foetus is viable’. I will never forget those words or the callous way they were thrown at me. Baby had a multi-cystic dysplastic kidney. Specialist after specialist later, the ‘foetus’ graduated to a baby in medical-speak and we were fine. Most people have two kidneys…some of us have one. (Jump forward in time: Jed’s body resorbed the multi-cystic kidney and his other kidney is big and strong and is doing turbo-fine with no invasive procedures required). He seemed to have a fierce desire to come through and I grew huge of belly. A fertility goddess statue come to life. 
Still, when Jed was born, it felt like a miracle to me. Every conception, pregnancy and birth is.

I called him my miracle baby. And so it turned out to be. 


Every Mothers Day now, as well as celebrating, I remember the ones when I was pregnant. I have lost 9 babies in all. Motherhood is not a given and I cringe when I hear people planning their babies, the time between children…you just never know. Each moment pregnant or of motherhood, is a gift. A precious gift.
I am so grateful to be Jed’s mama. I always was, but I guess even more so now. 
He would love to have a sibling. He has asked for years, and has remained hopeful long after my hope died. It was hard for me to answer sometimes. We all have so much to share, but it seems a larger family is not to be. We're looking into adopting, something I imagined doing since I was a girl. New Zealand has an average of 100 adoptions a year. The potential adoptive families far outweigh the need. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great that there isn’t such a need for adoptive parents/families but it does mean it would be unlikely for us. Perhaps our addition to the family is waiting for us out there. I am open to it, but I have also made my peace. Getting there has not been graceful, especially not with the hormonal flux each time I was pregnant and miscarried, but I am there. I am quite proud of myself. And relieved. The peace feels good. 


I am grateful to be Mama to Jed. Grateful to have carried those nine babies for the short times that I did. Grateful for all I have learned along the way. Gratitude is a beautiful thing. We all have our story. The words 'mother', 'mama', 'mom' and 'mum' are rich and many faceted. Whatever your story I salute all you Mama's of the world! xxx

16 comments:

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    1. Thank you gorgeous. Life aye? Full of magic, twists and turns and all the rest of the beautiful mess that makes up life. xx

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    1. Thanks Lisa. Glad to have found your blog through your comment btw! x

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  3. What a touching post Anissa. I had no idea that you had lost so many babies. I'm glad you have called a truce and found peace at last. No wonder Jed is so extra special. Blessings to you on this Mother's Day.

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    1. Thanks Juliet. How life unfolds...how we move and flow with what we are given...it's all part of the great dance. It is certainly never boring! xx

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  4. As always my friend your words are honest and heartfelt. My love to you gorgeous Mama.

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    1. Thank you dear friend. You have witnessed and been there for me through much of these ups and downs...big love to you. So glad the kids insisted we meet!

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  5. Oh Anissa! Such a powerful story! Happy Mother's Day to you three! <3

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  6. Wow! What a precious child! I 'only' had 4 early miscarriages and that was hard enough. Three before my first son was born, one between #2 and #3. I remember when I was pregnant with my oldest son, I'd meet people and they'd say, "Oh, your having a baby! Congratulations! And I'd say, "No, I'm only pregnant." I just couldn't let myself believe. Then when I was 32 weeks, it suddenly dawned on me that I was actually going to have a baby, and I rang my mother in a tearful panic because I had nothing prepared - nothing! She said,"stop crying, I'll be right over," and arrived bearing boxes and boxes of handmade, beautiful clothing, 4 dozen hand hemmed cloth nappies, baby soap, talc....the lot! I am always so grateful for my boys, even though I still remember those lost ones with sadness. You must be amazingly strong to have kept going, kept trying - what a special mother. xx

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    1. Thank you for sharing your story Cally. No matter how many, losing a child is always hard. I love that your mother had your back and came over with everything you needed...she knew! Mama's are just amazing beings full stop...we all have our stories and they are all precious. I totally get the not taking for granted that the pregnancy will continue. Much love to you and your boys. x

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  7. So sorry your journey to parenthood has been so heart breaking.
    Jed's is very lucky to have a mum like you and I have my fingers crossed you are blessed with an adoption or two in the near future.

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    1. Hi Mumma Dragon. Thanks for your comment. Heartbreaking and magical I suppose the journey has been. We will see what life has in store for us next, exciting...whatever unfolds. x

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  8. anissa, you are amazing. thank you for sharing this beautiful post and happy mothers day xxxx

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    1. Thank you Melissa. Same back at you! x

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