In years past I have posted tributes to mothers everywhere on Mothers Day. Today I find myself reflecting on my own journey.
I saw my belly large with child reflected in shop windows long before I conceived.
I saw him in my dreams and when he came crashing through, after knowing his dad only for a very short time, I threw my arms and heart open in welcome.
Luckily, so did his dad.
On reflection, it was quite the pregnancy. I bled on and off throughout the first trimester and feared so badly I would lose him. I talked to him a lot and quit work as soon as I could. Then, because I wanted a home birth, and lived remotely, I had another scan at 20 weeks. ‘We are not sure the foetus is viable’. I will never forget those words or the callous way they were thrown at me. Baby had a multi-cystic dysplastic kidney. Specialist after specialist later, the ‘foetus’ graduated to a baby in medical-speak and we were fine. Most people have two kidneys…some of us have one. (Jump forward in time: Jed’s body resorbed the multi-cystic kidney and his other kidney is big and strong and is doing turbo-fine with no invasive procedures required). He seemed to have a fierce desire to come through and I grew huge of belly. A fertility goddess statue come to life.
Still, when Jed was born, it felt like a miracle to me. Every conception, pregnancy and birth is.
I called him my miracle baby. And so it turned out to be.
Every Mothers Day now, as well as celebrating, I remember the ones when I was pregnant. I have lost 9 babies in all. Motherhood is not a given and I cringe when I hear people planning their babies, the time between children…you just never know. Each moment pregnant or of motherhood, is a gift. A precious gift.
I am so grateful to be Jed’s mama. I always was, but I guess even more so now.
He would love to have a sibling. He has asked for years, and has remained hopeful long after my hope died. It was hard for me to answer sometimes. We all have so much to share, but it seems a larger family is not to be. We're looking into adopting, something I imagined doing since I was a girl.
has an average of 100 adoptions a year. The potential adoptive families far
outweigh the need. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great that there isn’t such a need
for adoptive parents/families but it does mean it would be unlikely for us. Perhaps our addition to the family is waiting for us out there. I am open to it, but I have also made my peace. Getting there has not been graceful,
especially not with the hormonal flux each time I was
pregnant and miscarried, but I am there. I am quite proud of myself. And relieved. The peace feels good.
I am grateful to be Mama to Jed. Grateful to have carried those nine babies for the short times that I did. Grateful for all I have learned along the way. Gratitude is a beautiful thing. We all have our story. The words 'mother', 'mama', 'mom' and 'mum' are rich and many faceted. Whatever your story I salute all you Mama's of the world! xxx